Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011



Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
These are actual royalty checks I've received!

Royalty Check 1

Royalty Check

Royalty Check
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010



Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
4:57PM: Backstage with Alec Baldwin. I tell him, "Break a leg!" but accidentally gesture to the marbles I've poured on the floor.

5:00PM: Bat my eyelashes at Joan Rivers, who asks me how I did that. I compliment her on her dress. She calls me a whore.

5:01PM: Big opening number! Apparently this idea was borrowed from "theater." (?)

5:10PM: Joking with some woman named Meryl Streep. She looks familiar, acts like she knows me, but something about her gives me the willies.

5:14PM: I have a mirror in my pocket to make sure nothing's stuck in my teeth. I check it and get totally sucked in. Before I know it, Best Supporting Actor is announced. Can't remember who won, I was Tweeting about how great I look.

5:25PM: Backstage, A man with a headset comes up to me and asks me if I need anything. When I tell him he slaps me. Yeeouch!

5:28PM: Somebody comes up to me with a scrumptious looking cannoli. It's rather chewy. Find out it's a lint brush.

5:35PM: Feeling jittery! To focus myself, I do some yoga, cough up tiny pieces of lint-covered cardboard.

5:43PM: 7 hours, 31 minutes to go until the show is over.

5:44PM: Just think. 82 years ago, at the first-ever Academy Awards, the people in the audience were probably like "Methinks I shall win ye Honour to-nyght!"

5:45PM: This is getting old.

5:51PM: Back in the zone.

5:55PM: The women, gorgeous beyond belief. In their honor, I vow to become bulimic.

6:02PM: Lifetime Achievement honoree Lauren Bacall says hi. Between you and me, she looks like she's aged a bit since her last movie, CASABLANCA. Very nice, though.

6:09PM: A few more people, or as I think of them, "non-me's", have won.

6:16PM: Some of the winners want to shake hands. Unlike theirs, though, MY hand is dripping Purell because I'm thoughtful.

6:23PM: Playing the banjo in a supply closet. The paper towels are LOVING it!

6:36PM: Just took a quick nap during a Best Something montage. To reduce under-eye puffiness, just a dab of meth.

6:40PM: Somebody tells me we're nearly halfway done! To celebrate, a quick haircut.

6:49PM: Need to keep energy up. Think about Alec hogging stage, rage kicks right in.

6:57PM: If I were one of these people handing out the actual statuettes, I would get such a kick out of slightly tugging on it as the recipient tried to take it. But I'd never run away with it. Learned my lesson at the bluegrass awards in Nashville. That was bad.

7:05PM: Just finished writing a novel.

7:14PM: Best Art Direction. I think the best direction for art is West!

7:22PM: Now they're doing the sad part, the montage of all the people who died this year. The backstage crew says "Steve, no air horn."

7:31PM: Over it.

7:36PM: Into it again.

7:38PM: Nope. Forget this.

7:39PM: OK, I love it.

7:41PM: Cracking open my fourth bucket of Purell.

7:47PM: "Avatar" looks incredible! Had no idea the Smurfs were this hot.

7:53PM: Best Foreign Language is up. How can a language be nominated for an Oscar? Academy = corrupt.

8:02PM: The evening is almost over!

8:03PM: No it's not.

8:04PM: All the best-known awards are coming up now. I'm getting tingly! Maybe ‘cause the only thing I ate all night was that lint brush.

8:07PM: LOVE my new iPhone! Critter Crunch is the funnest game ever.

8:35PM: Whoa! Alec's yelling at me to get onstage for the "good night!"

8:40PM: FANTASTIC EVENING! Wasn't I amazing?
Monday, February 01, 2010
Steve's Journalist: Your new movie, It's Complicated, came out recently.

Steve: I was great in it.

Steve's Journalist: Tell us what it's about.

Steve: It's Complicated is about a guy named Steve. Excuse me, Adam. He's a brilliant, handsome architect who loves his work, is in great shape, and is pretty much the coolest and sexiest person in the room. He offers his love to a coldhearted woman who's secretly sleeping with her worthless schmuck called Alec Baldwin – I mean, Jake. The audience can't believe she doesn't see what a great guy Adam is.

Steve's Journalist: So, your co-stars were Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep...

Steve: (Chuckles, irritated) "Co-star" is a lit-tle generous...

Steve's Journalist: Still, what was it like to work with Meryl Streep?

Steve: At first, nerve-wracking... I'd heard she's a huge fan of mine, and I was worried she'd make a fool of herself. If she was intimidated, though, she never let it show. She's much more professional than I would've guessed.

Steve's Journalist: What was it like to work with Alec Baldwin?

Steve: (Stiffly) I do not recall.

Steve's Journalist: But you're hosting The Academy Awards with him in March, Steve.

Steve: Huh?

(The tape recorder is turned off. When it starts recording again)

Steve: ...HUGE lawsuit. Mark my words.

Steve's Journalist: Your masseuse is getting antsy over there. Why don't we wrap this up? Nancy Meyers is known for doing a lot of takes. Was that true on this movie as well?

Steve: Enhh... The magic's gone. Maybe later I'll feel like talking again. (Pause)
I feel like it again! I think sometimes, my charisma is so intense, it causes celluloid to literally burst into flame. If Nancy asked for another take, I'd ask her, "It's my fault, isn't it?" And she'd nod "yes" and give me a wink. It's important not to say the real reason out loud, or other actors get jealous.

Steve's Journalist: They had no idea who they were dealing with.

Steve: You said a mouthful!

Steve's Journalist: Okay, Steve, I think we've got plenty of good stuff here for your website –

Steve: Call it by the right name.

Steve's Journalist: What's the proper name?

Steve: The electronic newspaper.

Steve's Journalist: The electronic newspaper.

Steve: (Chuckles) It sounds so funny when you say the whole name like that. I just call it "The "E-Newspaper."

Steve's Journalist: Um. OK, great! Thank you.

Steve: Thanks for coming over! Oh, and if you could drop off my dry-cleaning, it's hanging right there on your way out. Bye!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Part 10

Staring into the void!

11/03/2009 Seattle, Washington Benaroya Hall

Show was magical. The tour is coming to an end, and I’m feeling sentimental. I feel better knowing I can play whenever I want at home. Note to self: Find out if Ticketmaster handles dinner parties!

11/09/2009 London (Europe -- ?!!?) Royal Festival Hall

Our last show of the tour. I wanted to make sure the English would fall in love with bluegrass, but the promoters said "absolutely no nudity." All in all, though? Our best show yet.


Well, the tour is now done, and as I pore over the all the hotel bathrobes I stole, I'm feeling a bit misty-eyed. It's been a while since I cleaned my contacts with that enzyme solution, and I'm guessing it's time to do that once again.

Anyway, I'll never forget the great crew members I met along the way, like Fat Guy with Reddish Beard in a Black T-Shirt, and Pale-ish Woman with Headset and Clipboard. You were amazing. Take care, and remember, whenever you come to New York, that I cannot get you tickets to Saturday Night Live.